If you read the previous post, Wise Woman tales, then you already know I have a sometimes loud and discordant committee meeting going on in my head sometimes.
It does not feel like this:
The committee members come to the table
And let’s just say they can get REAL loud at times; and insistent; and they often make a lot of noise and chaos in my mind.
They fight for control, and the loudest often wins, which doesn’t always feel good. They argue with each other a LOT, and don’t give over leadership to one another particularly easily.
They ALL think they should be in charge. I would dearly love to experience the peace and calm of the empty committee table show above.
Instead it feels like this:
I think my voices, my internal committee, are perhaps a little more defined and discordant than is necessarily “normal” or objectively healthy.
On the other hand, when I think of them as a committee, all offering a point of view, it helps me maintain perspective.
They are simply aspects of me.
When I dissociate and observe the chaos, I can see that they are all my advisers. It’s just that some are more effective than others, and some have advice that hasn’t been updated in a loooooong time, based on lessons they learned the hard way.
The Sexy One
One of them smokes. I don’t smoke, and I do not have Dissociative Personality Disorder, in which these aspects might truly take over my behaviors on a physical level.
So luckily, even though SHE smokes… I don’t.
The smoker also happens to be “the sexy one”. She’s the aspect of myself that speaks in low tones and chuckles a lot and is a brunette for some reason, and she smokes and drinks Scotch and KNOWS things … she has seen some shit, people, and is not fooled easily. But she is a little jaded.
The aspect of me sitting next to “The Sexy One” is VERY buttoned up. “The Controller” wears a pin striped suit and glasses and desperately wants to control everything that happens. EVERYTHING.
He is tall and thin and anxious and moves with the flitting motions of a bird. He, in fact, does not seem very “in control” at all. But oh, he desperately wants SOMEONE to be, and fears he may have to take on that role.
He gets VERY upset when the rest of the group gets out of hand, but won’t let it show. His lips just press more tightly together and he clears his throat a lot and really just INSISTS that everyone settle down and pay attention.
The sexy one thinks the controller is funny and likes to mess with him. A lot. But they are friends, and if the controller is ever really threatened the sexy one calls on “The Warrior”, and they protect the controller.
The warrior is exactly as you would imagine. Doesn’t really speak, is a solid force to be reckoned with, and will mess anyone up that threatens the tribe.
Wait – is my committee my tribe? I think I’m in danger of mixing some metaphors here.
Anyhow, the sexy one and the warrior have soft spots for the controller. They think the he is fragile and cute, like an Italian Greyhound, and they aren’t going to let anything happen to him.
After all – who would do the filing? It doesn’t’ matter that no one can ever find anything, someone still has to DO it.
Enter The CEO
There are a few other players that are part of the committee. They are not front and center at the moment, and are represented by the sound of constant chatter. Like a gaggle of geese.
Now, however, do I notice that there is a CEO type, at the end of the table. Not my Wise Woman – she’s just sort of sitting on the side observing, still oddly in her garden AND at the table at the same time.
The CEO is kind of … serious. That aspect is relatively androgynous … although I almost referred to them as a “he”. But in really paying attention I realize they are not gendered at all.
The CEO seems to carry a lot of weight on their shoulders … they look kind of tired. They are kind of grey and a little hard to see – as if I’m looking at them through a mist.
It feels like they come and go a lot, as if they have to fight that mist to remain present in the room, and they are exhausted from the battle.
They seem to know that there is a lot of work to be done, and that getting this committee to work together is going to be a challenge.
As I watch, the CEO looks at me. As our eyes meet I realize they SEE me.
The others seem unaware of my presence, but the CEO knows. They nod to me, silently, seeming to accept their fate.
Perhaps for a moment they were thinking that it might be time to retire, and let one of the other voices take over. None of the others really want that kind of responsibility though, and none of them have the strength to fight that ever present mist at the head of the table, the way the CEO must.
The CEO nods their head decisively, seems to take a deep breath, and then just … comes alive. As if that breath literally animated them, they take on color and form that they hadn’t had a moment before.
They are still hard to define or describe – as if they are an amalgamation of many faces and personalities. They shimmer a bit, like a crystal reflecting light, rather than displaying a particular color of its own.
I become aware that the Wise Woman is present, and in her garden AND in this committee room somehow. When the CEO takes that breath, and places their hands on the table, and commands the attention of all with just their presence, my wise woman smiles, looking a bit gleeful. As if anticipating the coming shift in the energy of the room.
She stays in her garden AND the room, relishing the work of the committee.
Bringing The Team Together
The CEO seems to have phased into the room through the mist, choosing to take on their leadership role for yet another round of guiding this gaggle of geese in a semi-orderly direction.
The other aspects at the table haven’t noticed the CEO’s presence quite yet.
Then the CEO simply stands, emanating “presence”. The aspects at the table inhale as one, and finally quiet down. They hadn’t actually realized that no one had been in charge for a while.
Things had been chaotic, everyone running amok, and for the most part, all of the committee just kept trying to do their jobs. They had learned to just try to pretend everything was okay.
Every now and then one or another of these aspects of my self would notice something wasn’t quite right. Then everyone would chime in with theories about where in the heck the CEO had GONE. And would they EVER come back?
They really like it when the CEO shows up because good leadership makes everything so much easier.
The Pep Talk
“Thanks, everyone, for agreeing to meet.” The CEO’s voice is quiet and loud at the same time, resonating and reaching each of the aspects easily and clearly. A sigh of relief burbles around the room.
The aspects know they can relax now, and just listen.
“I know you all have important jobs to do, and I’ll let you get back to those shortly. As you know, we’ve been in a bit of a crisis…lots of external upheaval and a few threats to our integrity.
I apologize for my absence – please know that it was necessary. I just want you all to know that I’m back, and here to help you navigate what’s coming up. It’s time that we all get back on track to work TOGETHER toward our goals.
Things will be smoother if we remember to work together as a team. Keep our common goals in mind, and support each other as best you can.
I realize our goals have not been clear for a while, but there have been some developments of late that should help with that. I can’t share all of the details at this time, because I don’t KNOW all of the details, but I have faith that we will all get the information we need as soon as it is available.
Meanwhile, keep up the good work, remember that you are not alone, and use the resources at your disposal to help you do the best job you are able.
Feel free to consult with our Wise Woman, or myself, any time you need direction or assistance.
Again, thank you for being here, and let’s make it a great life, OK?”
The aspects at the table applaud, cheer, turn to each other with broad, relieved smiles. The panic has abated, for now, and they all seem to have relaxed. Even “The Controller”.
Everyone quiets down, breathing easier, relieved to have some direction again. NOW things will really start moving forward – they all anticipate some real progress.
As long as they can all remember to support each other, treat each other with respect, and rely on each other when they need help.
The CEO falls back into their chair. They breathe, and their colors fade a bit. They aren’t leaving, but they aren’t fully present, either. They can only hold that presence for short durations. Sometimes minutes, or hours. If they are really lucky, the mist will fall back for days or even weeks.
Then they won’t have to fight so hard just to show up and get things moving in a positive direction. They need to get everyone to set things in motion and install some back up plans.
Because they will disappear again. It is almost inevitable. But no one knows for sure. Maybe this time, they are here to stay.